Unrighteous Anger

For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God - James 1:20

This topic comes to me from a Facebook Group. From a man seeking counsel from his brothers and sisters in Christ regarding anger, especially anger towards his children. But none the less, unrighteous anger in general.

Many times I see questions asked in this forum and don’t feel the need to respond, generally there are dozens of people willing hand out advice on the topic. Every once- and-awhile a topic arises that catches my interest, and even if the person doesn’t read the response, there is still a cathartic feeling in putting thoughts and experience into writing. Of course, the hope is that the person is edified by the response, but just as much is gained in reminiscing over my own journey.

Know that I am writing this piece to myself, just as much as I am to others.

James 1:19-20 “19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

This piece of scripture has informed, convicted, guided and sanctified me since the first time it was spoken to me in wisdom. Being transparent, this scripture was gifted to me by a wise mentor in the midst of marriage counseling. It has pierced every portion of my life since that day. Further meditation on this passage and related verses will produce much fruit in our lives when we humble ourselves before the infinite wisdom of God.

At it’s most basic level, James 1:20 is telling us that more often than not, our anger is a sinful, selfish reaction in what otherwise would be God’s perfect response of pure righteousness. I want to address the fact that there is indeed an instance when we are able to posses a form of righteous indignation. A just and right response of anger to evil and sin. This what we see in Ephesians 4:26-27, it is indeed possible for us to be angry and not sinful, but the second part of the verse warns us how dangerous that anger is in the heart of man. “26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.” Eph. 4:26-27. In our everyday interactions, especially within the context of our families in the home, it’s rare that our anger is justified and not sinful. We easily go from “do not sin” to “giving opportunity to the devil”. Our hearts and emotions are a fickle thing to say the least.

Understanding Anger:

That same wise mentor taught me that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that it always has a root, a source, a true center. It doesn’t exist on it’s own and must be formed by other emotions that we experience. Most often those primary emotions are: Fear, anxiety, pain and lack of control. All of these emotions can be equally responsible for our outbursts of unrighteous anger. Take for example, when we are feeling out of control of a situation, anger makes us feel powerful. We are taking back control by force, making all others in the room recognize and bow to our show of anger that threatens further escalation. We often say things that we don’t mean and perhaps we even react physically. Before we think that this is the only way that anger will manifest itself, we must understand that the opposite is also true. Some of us implode, we take back control with our anger by shutting down. Not speaking, not interacting and disassociating ourselves. This is also an outburst of anger, even if it sounds like an oxymoron. What we are essentially saying is; “I’m not talking or interacting and you can’t make me”. It’s another form of regaining control and feeling powerful in the situation at the expense of others.

Both are destructive.

I want to bring this back into the context of the original question, giving some practical advice and addressing this man’s concerns, as they relate to his children and anger. They have also been my concerns since I became a father.

Prayer is always going to top the list in producing real change. It is by God’s grace that He has ordained the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in making us more like Christ. Bringing our sinful anger before the Lord and asking for His mercy and the changing of our heart, mind and attitude is required early and often!

Secondly, changing the way that we see those around us. Whether that be our spouse, children or otherwise. In the specific context of children, what has impacted me the most is understanding that as their earthly father, I am the window through which they will see their Heavenly Father. I am directly biasing the view they have of God through my actions. As I teach them about God and the scriptures, they will inevitably carry a bias regarding Him by the merit of our character as earthly fathers. This brings about an immense sense of duty in my heart, as it should. I should be mindful of skewing the image of God for my children, this is something that I will stand before the King to give account for one day. Inherently we understand that we can’t be perfect in this scenario, but we should strive to be the very best version of ourselves here, praying for continued sanctification and bathing our own minds in the scriptures so that we actually know the King that we profess and represent.

Another method that has helped me immensely is practicing empathy for my children, putting myself in their shoes. They are helplessly at your mercy. Especially when they are young, they trust and believe all things that you say and do to them. It becomes internalized into their character. I once heard it said that adulthood is simply attempting to heal from our childhood traumas. We are their world for much of their young lives. As fathers we are called to protect, provide, guide, disciple, and love our kids. That’s hard to do with sinful outbursts of anger that occur regularly. The world will do enough of breaking them down, we shouldn’t add to this burden.

What I’m not advocating for is never disciplining our children, as that is also a biblical command, but it must not be done in sinful anger, as much as possible.

Have your spouse keep you accountable, come to an agreement that if your getting out of control, they will lovingly confront you and remind you of your desire to change and that your in sin.

Much of this advice doesn’t only apply to fathers, I simply write it from my personal perspective. I do know mothers who struggle with these same issues of sinful anger against their children and even their spouses.

As the people of God we are continually commanded to crucify our sins and renew our minds through the scriptures, prayer, worship and communion with the saints. Let us all trust the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in this pursuit so that we may love and disciple our homes faithfully.

“Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!”

Lamentations 3:40